In February of 2015, I weighed in at a whopping 330 pounds. Several attempts to lose weight resulted in a yo-yo effect until I finally stopped trying. I was literally eating myself to death, and the worst part bout it was that I had stopped caring.
At the end of February, I was admitted to the hospital for acute pancreatitis, caused (as I understand it) by gall stones that passed through the bile duct into the pancreas. Acute pancreatitis can cause necrosis of the pancreas, and with the death of the pancreas, death to the person suffering from its effects.
I was in the hospital for ten days, doped up on Dilaudid (hydromorphone, a painkiller) while the doctors ran various tests to ensure that I would make it home without surgery. Filled with fluids and unable to effectively move around due to a combination of my weight and the water on my extremities, I ballooned to roughly 360 pounds -- a higher weight than I ever imagined I could be.
When I got home, I put myself on a strict diet. No beef, more fish, and vegetables with every meal. I lost the first thirty pounds easily -- they were all water weight I'd gained at the hospital. After that, things slowed down considerably, but though they plateaued for about two months, they haven't stopped since then, and in November of 2015, I weigh 289 pounds.
That's the lowest I've been in five years.
Along the way I learned that I was eating myself to death, and not only did I not care that the food was killing me, but I wanted to die.
That's why I'm doing this: I want to help other women who, like me, have given up on themselves and need to find their way back.
This journey is about me.
I've never felt pretty. I was adopted at birth, and I don't share my parents' body types. They have dieted for as long as I can remember, with a lot of pressure on me to do the same. Even when I was slender, the boys called me fat. Maybe that was because I developed real breasts at the age of nine, and needed to wear a proper bra (not those training bras so many girls wear).
I didn't like my eyes, or my breasts, or my hips, or the fact that even slim, I weighed more than the other girls my own age. As my self-confidence dipped, my weight went up until my mother put me on Jenny Craig when I was a teenager (not something I'd recommend for teens!).
Boys called me ugly, and many of the girls I knew didn't want to hang around with me either. Looking back, I was a weird kid, and it probably had more to do with my behavior than the way that I looked, but I always associated one with the other.
Most of my life, there's been at least one person who called me fat. I gave them what they wanted, and ultimately became so depressed that I continued to eat, refused to exercise (after all, I'd never been good at sports), and gained pound after pound.
It didn't get bad until I quit smoking -- and gained 70 pounds (I'll be talking about that soon enough).
What I discovered...
When I was in the hospital, I realized that I didn't want to feel like that any more. My stomach hurt all the time and I'd come to telling people that I had just about every stomach disorder imaginable. Getting up and moving around hurt. I hated my lack of physical strength and stamina.
That was when I realized that I didn't love myself. I treated my body poorly because of my own psychology.
And because I treated my body poorly, my body treated me poorly. The better the food I ate, the fewer stomach problems I had (your frequent heartburn is probably due to your fat consumption and can be reduced by cutting out dairy and beef from your diet), and the fewer stomach problems I had, the less I hated myself.
The depression hasn't gone away -- in fact it got worse just recently -- but I recognize the connection between depression, suicidal thoughts, and the type of food I put into my body. It's a vicious cycle. If I eat bad food, I get depressed, and if I get depressed, I get lazy. Over time, I hate myself more because I feel uglier.
This journey is about you...
I've learned enough in the past several months that I feel I can help you to learn from my mistakes and from my discoveries. I want the opportunity to share what I've learned with you so that you can start on your own path to better health, peace, and loving yourself and your body the way that I've learned to love my own body -- and am learning to love myself.
I will share with you some of the following:
- Weight Loss Tips
- Hair Care Tips (My favorite!)
- Fitness Tips
- Mental Health Information
- Recipes and Food
- Nutrition Tips
- Beauty Tips
- Relevant Product Reviews
- Inspiration
- My Personal Journey (in Photos)
- Vlogs
Sound interesting?
Please take a moment to sign up for my social media sites by following the links to the left and above. I'd love the opportunity to get to know you, and to share this journey with you. If you'd like to, you can even e-mail me. I love to chat!
